It was the greatest sandwich ever. All 5 bites.

Hi, hello. My name is Jessica, and I'm sort of (deathly) scared of spiders. The following story is one that I can only hope I'll forget..but I know that's completely out of the question. Especially because I have evidence.

And the evidence is too funny not to share.

You see, the evidence is a sandwich all mayonaise down on the rug that I'm a freak about. Serious.

...

Kass and I woke up pretty early this morning, and started watching TV. Tummys started grumbling a few minutes later so we went into the kitchen to make the best sandwiches ever.

Pickles, cheese, and (the last of the) turkey. Yum!!

I grab a soda, and sit down on the *loveseat.

*Usually this is not the case. About 6 or so months ago, I went to sit on this couch and before sitting down, I simply moved the pillow to the side. Good thing I did because there was a spider in between the cushion of the couch and the pillow. Now, each time I sit on that couch, I do a spider check. Except for this time. :(

So, we're watching *The Voice*, and I say to Kass "Man, these sangwiches are delicious. Best ever!"

A few minutes later at the exact same moment, Kassi and I jump up! (We have spi-dar like cats have reflexes.)

*THERE WAS A SPIDER CRAWLING ON MY LEG!!!!*

Moments later the sandwich was flung, tears came flowing, I moved faster than I have in a long time, and I was rockin' some Olympic worthy knee touch foot stomp moves.

This lasted for a solid 5 minutes until Kassi came into the back room and said "Jess, I'm pretty sure he's a goner."

...

Now, the worst part of this story besides the fact that I wasted a pickle, had a spider crawling on my leg, and the mayonaise on my rug is the fact that:

*The spider is not dead, and is still somewhere in my living room.*

It's going to be a rough week avoiding that room. It's sort of a common place to hang out.

Oh, and if you're wondering about my empty tummy and turkeyless fridge, Kassi was nice enough to share her sandwich with me. :) Sisters are totally the greatest!

My biggest fear...or so I thought.

I'm 23 years old and I thought I had it figured out. In all of my 23 years, I've (and most likely anyone who knows me) always known that a spider, little or big...will almost immediately put me into cardiac arrest.

Well boys and girls, I have run into something that is even *worse* than a spider.

Curious? (It might be a good idea to skip the rest of this post. If you're like me, it will haunt you and give you nightmares for the rest of your life...but I just have to share. It's not fair that I'm the only one with this image in my head. So, it's your choice. At least I'm warning you.)

Turns out 1 ginormous spider with hundreds of baby spiders on her "abdomen" will just about make me poop in my pants at the same time that my heart stops.

I'm so glad that (up until Saturday) I've never seen anything like this in my life but why?? WHY, WHY, WHY, WHYYYY did that have to change?

Also, WHY would something like this be chillin on our front porch *days* after we sprayed?? :(

I have no faith in you Ortho. Your supposed spider killing spray is whack.

The good stuff.

I'm thankful for "Raid--Kills on Contact" spider spray. I first came in contact with it when I lived with my grandma. She bought me my very own bottle and hoped I would put it to use (so she didn't have to kill all of the spiders I scoped out)...Good idea!

It's definitely a product that does exactly what it says it will do, no matter what...it kills. on. contact. The spiders don't even have a chance to run!! :) It's an amazing thing and it sprays far so you (or in my case, Travis) don't even have to stand very close to the spider! It works perfectly..Trav is really good at using it, and I'm really good at watching to make sure the spider is dead, on contact.

I'll admit it. I need to go to AA.

...and I'm wondering if I'd be the only person there.

I was thinking of my "podium speech" this morning. It would go something like this...

"Hi. My name is Jessica and I am an arachnophobic. I'm hoping by joining this group, I will somehow be able to overcome my fear of spiders. I'd like to start out with a goal. I mean, that's the first step to recovery, right...well, after admitting. Anyway,I'm hereby declaring that I will try to kill at least one spider a...year. Some of my weaknesses include but are not limited to: waking up from a dead sleep to do a "spider check" because there was a spider in my dream and I am worried that there is also one outside of my dream. Waking Travis up from a dead sleep to either help me look for the spider I swear I saw, or to kill a spider for me. Making myself watch any spider be killed so I know for a fact, he is a goner. After watching, I then tell myself that the spider's momdadsisterbrotherunclecousingrandpa is after me. I also have a horrible problem where I remember each spot in the house, where a spider once was. I will also not stand in that spot...because you never know, if they were there one time...there's got to be something about that spot that just attracts spiders. I don't see that as a problem though, because there are, thankfully, plenty of other spots to be in. Like this morning...I was picking out what I was going to wear and remembered a time where I was doing the same thing and a spider crawled out from under my shoe, on the left. My simple solution was just to move slightly more to the right...you never know. I'd also like some help with my constant spider checking. Everywhere. I. Go. Most people watch TV 100 percent of the time. Well, I watch TV 80 percent of the time because I know spiders don't just stop moving around when the TV comes on. (They also don't go to sleep when the lights go out. I learned that a few years back.) Also, when I walk into someones house, I'd like to be able to point out a cute decoration, or really, anything besides the spider chillin in the corner. And so, I'm hoping I'm not alone in this group and hopefully someone can provide some sort of help. Things that generally work for me are men who kill spiders, or kills on contact spray. I'd like to know what things you guys do to help solve your arachnophobia problem."

Then people would probably clap, and I would take my seat (after the spider check of course) and listen to the next testimony.